Thrift Haul Summons the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: How This Affects Your Holiday Travel Plans
“I saw these four guys on horses causing a ruckus downtown, and all I could think was, ‘There goes my flight to Miami,’” said Linda Marsh, a traveler at LAX.
Inspired by A $3.99 Goodwill vase sold for $107,000: ‘Gift from the thrifting gods’ by Timothy Bella on the Washington Post
December 25, 2023:
In what can only be described as a thrift store transaction gone supernaturally awry, a $3.99 purchase from Goodwill has reportedly summoned the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, causing nationwide chaos just in time for the holiday season.
As Conquest, War, Famine, and Death elegantly trotted down Main Street, USA, their arrival was met with a mix of awe and an overwhelming concern about flight delays. “I saw these four guys on horses causing a ruckus downtown, and all I could think was, ‘There goes my flight to Miami,’” said Linda Marsh, a traveler at LAX, seemingly unfazed by the biblical figures causing pandemonium outside.
Across the country, peculiar phenomena attributed to the apocalyptic riders have been cropping up. In New York, a sudden, unexplained blizzard engulfed the city, while in rural Iowa, locusts swarmed the skies. Yet, the primary concern of the citizens appears to be minor travel inconveniences. “Sure, the rivers turning to blood is a bit unsettling,” noted Derek Thompson, a commuter in Chicago, “but have you seen the traffic it’s causing? Property values could take a hit.”
Meteorologists and theologians alike are baffled by this unprecedented event. "We're seeing a convergence of mystical and meteorological anomalies that is quite frankly off the charts," stated Dr. Wendy Gale, a climatologist. "But the real question on everyone's mind is, 'Will I live long enough to use up all of the Kohl’s cash I’ve accumulated?'"
Meanwhile, the original buyer of the so-called Shadow Amulet of Desolation, the catalyst for this end-of-days scenario, remains blissfully ignorant of the global turmoil they’ve unleashed on top of being frustrated after discovering the amulet has no monetary value. Reports indicate they were last seen complaining about the lack of WiFi at a local café.
Airport officials are advising travelers to check their flights and prepare for possible delays. “We’re doing our best to manage the situation,” said an airport spokesperson. “But when the Horseman of Famine is causing a shortage of in-flight snacks, there’s only so much we can do.”
As the world grapples with this otherworldly crisis, one thing is clear – the resilience of holiday travelers in the face of apocalyptic adversity is nothing short of miraculous. Or perhaps, it's just a testament to the unyielding human spirit that prioritizes making it to grandma's house over the potential end of the world. Stay tuned for more updates as we navigate this holiday season like no other.